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Dealing with shame and guilt

by Jacob Ninan

When we have done something wrong before God or people, two feelings that might trouble our mind are shame and guilt. Though some people casually think that these two are similar, they are actually very different. Why we feel each one, and how we have to overcome them are also different. My hope is that this article will help you to deal with these feelings in the right way and come out of them as early as possible and as better people than you were earlier.

Shame is what we feel when our image or reputation is spoilt in our own eyes, or before people or God. We feel bad about ourselves when we recognise what we have done wrong. We also feel bad when we realise that others have come to know our misdeeds. Even in this, there are differences in importance between the feeling we have when we have fallen in our own eyes, and when we realise that our image has been spoilt in the eyes of others. For many people, it is more important how they appear before other people, because they think that if others do not know about their failure, what they themselves know about it can be kept hidden. But for a few others, in comparison, what they know about themselves makes them feel deeply ashamed, even if they know that no one else knows about it.

Guilt is the feeling we have, when we recognise that we have done wrong. When we have this feeling of guilt, it is the responsibility for our wrong that is bothering us. Shame may be there along with guilt, but guilt is not about what people think about us but about the fact that what we did was wrong. A sense of guilt can lead to repentance, where we want to set things right and we determine that we do not want to do it again.

What we naturally feel like doing when we feel shame is to want to hide ourselves. We may try to pretend we did not sin, or when we cannot do that, we may try to justify our action by blaming it on others, the circumstances, or even God, we may try to run away from the place to somewhere else where nobody knows what we have done, etc. The goal is to 'save ourselves' from the shame, rather than to take responsibility for our sins.

Another fact to recognise is that it is shame that we feel when we are caught by others after we have done wrong. If we cannot escape by denying responsibility or excusing ourselves, and we are forced to accept our sin or mistake, our tears or remorse that we show may be only from shame and not from guilt. So we have to remember that if we notice such expressions from somone when he has been exposed, they should not be immediately taken as signs of repentance.

There is a classic example of Esau, the brother of Jacob, who casually gave off his birthright to Jacob because he did not value it (Gen.25:29-34). Later, when he realised that Jacob had cheated his father Isaac and obtained blessings which Isaac had meant for Esau, he cried bitterly and asked his father for blessings. But the Bible records that there was no repentance in him for throwing away his birthright so cheaply, not realising that the blessings were part of that birthright (Heb.12:16,17).

It is natural that when we have done wrong that we feel both shame and guilt. But what we need to realise is that for some people, shame is the predominant feeling where guilt is suppressed or ignored. Social scientists have even identified areas of the world which are shame-driven. The so-called 'honour killings' where family members kill another member for bringing shame to the family are a typical symptom of this culture. There are also other cultures, especially those where Christian teachings have had a lot of influence, which are more aware of right and wrong, and which feel guilty when they have done wrong. But nowadays, this sense of right and wrong is being blurred because of the falling influence of Christians on society.

Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus to the chief priests who managed to to put Him to death on the cross. When Judas saw the result of his sin, he felt a deep remorse, which seems to have been a mixture of guilt and shame (Matt.27:1-5). He went to the priests to say that he had sinned in betraying innocent blood, and tried to return the money he had received for the betrayal. But he did not go and apologise to Jesus against whom he had sinned. If he had done that, his guilt would have been dealt with rightly. But instead, his shame was greater. He could not bear to face Jesus or the other disciples, and he went and hanged himself.

Peter denied Jesus openly and with a great show of emotions when he was questioned about his allegiance with Jesus after Jesus was arrested. But when Jesus looked into his eyes, he felt the power of guilt in his mind and he wept profusely in repentance (Matt.26:69-75). He acknowledged his failure, and his repentance was so genuine that Jesus was able to restore him as an apostle.

Paul had been a blasphemer against Jesus and a persecutor of Christians in his zeal as a Jewish scholar. But when he met with Jesus and was born again, he processed his forgiveness so well that he was fully open about his earlier failure. Shame did not prevent him from acknowledging how he used to be (1Tim.1:12-16).

Saul was the first king of Israel. But it seems he did not have a personal relationship with God, and this showed up in a series of disobedient acts that finally led to God taking away the kingdom from him. When the prophet Samuel confronted him about his latest disobedience, Saul admitted he had sinned, but his desire was that he should be allowed to go ahead with religious activities so that his honour would not be reduced before the elders (1Sam.15:24-30). It does not look as if he had any serious feelings of guilt even though he was forced to accept his mistake. It was the fear of shame that drove him.

When Adam and Eve sinned by disobeying God, they seem to have gone through a sense of shame and guilt, but it seems to have been more of shame than guilt. They tried to hide themselves from God, they blamed others, and never admitted their sin (Gen.3:11-13).

It is only fitting that when we have sinned in any way, we should be feeling ashamed of ourselves, and also guilty before God and those we have sinned against. But the first thing we need to do is to get before God, acknowledge our sin and ask for forgiveness. The important thing here is not about merely going through the motion of confessing our sins, but to make sure that we actually repent from our sins. Without repentance there is no forgiveness from God (Acts.5:31;26:20). When there is true repentance there will be a great humbling of ourselves and a strong desire to set things right (2Cor.7:10,11). There may be sorrow without repentance, especially if other people have come to know, we have lost our reputation and perhaps position, etc.

If we have sinned only against God because we have not hurt anyone else because of our sins, we need to only deal with God and get forgiveness. But if anyone else has also been affected, we need to set things right with them too, to the extent possible. Why I am saying 'to the extent possible' is because there may be things that cannot be reversed or repaired. Actually, once we have hurt someone, it can be really very difficult to restore the relationship once again – that is the nature of sin. That is something that should put a huge restraint on us when we are tempted to sin. Therefore, we need to apologise as sincerely as possible, and if there are material damages to be set right, undertake to set them right too.

If we have repented with all our heart and confessed our sins to God and to the people concerned, we must then assure ourselves that God has forgiven our sins and taken them away (1Jn.1:9). Feelings of guilt may keep coming up again, and Satan may keep trying to bring up an accusation against us. But then we must resist that by standing firm on God's promise that if we have truly confessed our sins, God has truly and completely forgiven us.

Shame is another matter. We may be ashamed of ourselves, or our shame may be because others know about our failures and we have lost certain things in life as a result. The way to overcome this sense of shame is by being realistic about it. We need to recognise the fact that whatever we may do, we cannot reverse the fact that people know about us. Some people may avoid us, look down on us, look at us in an accusing manner, insult us personally or openly, etc. We also have to recognise the fact that some people would have gossipped about us, exaggerated our mistakes, distorted the story totally, etc. When we begin to look at things in a realistic way, we will see that there is really nothing that we can do to correct the situation, and the only way we can deal with it is in our own mind, while waiting patiently for the gossip to die down.

One thing that can help us to overcome the shame in our mind is to remind ourselves that if God Himself has forgiven us, it does not really matter what people think about us. People do not really understand us – they either think too well about us or too badly about us. The only one who knows us exactly is God and it is really only with Him that we need to deal. He loves even if we have fallen and is waiting for us to get back to Him.

Another thing that can help us is to forgive ourselves, after we know that God has forgiven us. We don't have to hate ourselves if God doesn't. We don't have to beat ourselves with our past, when God has promised He won't (Heb.8:12).

We also neede to recognise that we are the ones who did wrong and gave an occasion to people to gossip about. Then we can forgive those who have spread the story, distorted it, etc. Just think of how we will spoil our present, lose our sleep, and hurt our own future if we allow ourselves to get occupied with the others, instead of coming to freedom ourselves!

Finally, it may take time to overcome the sense of shame and accept ourselves. But we must remember that if we let the past tie us down, we will not be able to reach all that God has planned for us in the future. There is a way back to God, and if we have strayed away from Him at any point of time, the wisest thing for us to do is to get back to Him. That is the story of the prodigal son, who had wasted away all the wealth that his father had given him, but who realised in the end that it would be better to be with the father even as a servant than to be away from him (Lk.15:11-24).

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